I don’t know if it’s related to the cult, health problems, sugar withdrawal from being on SCD, but I keep alternating between having intense insomnia and extreme need for sleep. Sometimes I sleep for 10 hours, but won’t be able to get to sleep until 2 am.

The strange result of all this is that I get woken up at various places in my sleep cycle and have been remembering a lot more of my dreams. I rarely have nice dreams, so it’s usually not IF it’s a nightmare, but how much of a nightmare it is.

The one this morning was interesting. There was a lot to it, but the most vivid part was where I was sitting in a kitchen sink and my dream Dad (who bore no actual resemblance to my real Dad) was pouring oil on me so he could burn me alive. My brother had died multiple times and used up all his lives and killing me would bring him back. My dream Dad loved him more than me.

The odd thing about my nightmares is that I’ve become used to this level of violence. I can’t control my dreams (like some people I know), but I was able to stay calm and told myself to stay asleep so I could see where the dream went. As this scene progressed I could see more and more how sad my father was about my dead brother and I felt sorry for him even as he kept pouring oil over me.

(This scene has some parallels in real life because my mother favored my sister when I was growing up.)

I used to think this was normal. TV is pretty violent, so I chalked it up to movie/TV overexposure. But even when I went on a media-fast and cut those things out, they still continued. And when a group of friends and I were talking about dreams, I was the only one who remembered them from a young age and who had so many nightmares.

I am hoping that as I progress on SCD/sort through cult trauma/whatever it is that’s causing these, that they’ll eventually go away.


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One response to “Insomnia

  1. I don’t know how many nightmares I had as a child (or how often), but I remember most of them, theme wise. They usually involved snakes, and generally I need to rescue some siblings or something, but one time, I dreamt entirely in black and white, and there was this ghost (or person? B&W, hard to tell) who’s head was either cut or shot off that he lifted so I could see (and I had that one when I was little wayyyy before I saw Harry Potter and Nearly-Headless-Nick, so I have no idea where that came from).

    Most of my nightmares now have to do with rescuing someone, or myself.

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